Confirmation Of Assignment

At my job, I have to send out emails whenever one of our candidates is selected for an interview or for hire.

I hate these things. They used to scare the piss out of me, since any mistakes potentially impacted the freelancer (which is bad) and resulted in shrieking vengeance upon me (which is worse). The probability for error is compounded by the utter lack of communication between the members of our division, with the result that I can be told to send one thing by one person, then get in trouble with another person for sending that information. Usually, somehow, it winds up being my fault, and I am told dismissively that I should have "worked with so-and-so" before sending the damn thing out.

The emails themselves aren't complicated. There's a template to fill out, or, once one has accumulated a good supply of them, you can take an older one and swap out the name, date, time, and special instructions. This saves time but can be risky, since if you're going fast (as one usually is when one is flipping old emails) and you forget to change the time, you're in for it.

Anyway, parody is one of the things that keeps me going at the godawful place.

***PLEASE REPLY ALL TO CONFIRM RECEIPT OF MESSAGE***

Hi Jack Of-All-Trades

Thank you for being available to work with [our staffing agency] at The Immortal 300! You should ask for King Leonidas, Ruler of Sparta when you arrive. Please bring 2 forms of ID and any relevant bardic songs chronicling your merciless vengeance with you. You will also need to have an sharp sword and an interlocking shield. Remember to dress to show off your muscles, and not to bring up the possibility of survival, just defer that conversation to [our staffing agency]. Here are the details you will need to know for this assignment:

CLIENT: The Immortal 300
DATES / DURATION: 480 BC / expected duration until all Persians are dead and Sparta is free
TIME: There is no time to waste
ADDRESS:
The Hot Gates of Thermopylae

CONTACT: King Leonidas
CONTACT'S PHONE NUMBER: You need no phone where you are going.
RATE: Slaughter is its own reward CONFIDENTIAL – Please do not discuss your rate with anyone but [our staffing agency].
DIRECTIONS:
Exit gates of Lacedaemon
Journey south with a group of good friends
Turn Left at the Hot Gates
End at Phocian Wall

Keep in mind most projects have the potential to be extended past the original projected end date, especially in the event of the Persian dogs retreating. Please inform us of any changes in your availability so we can keep the client best informed.

If you are running late or have an emergency, you are unworthy.

We want to make sure you have a pleasant experience killing for our clients, so please give us a call a few hours after you have repelled the first wave.

If at any time you need time off, you are hereby reminded to return with your shield or on it.

If you have any questions please call your recruiter. If you have questions about payroll or timesheets, please contact Demosthenes, who will whip you into submission. We are here to help you and make sure you do not turn traitor like that coward Ephilates.

Demosthenes – 3rd Phalanx. The one with the big whip.
demos@accessnyc.com