Because it's just that kind of day.
* Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder
After much careful thought and due consideration, I'm replacing Colbie Caillat's song "Bubbly" in THE TRINITY with this piece of audio dreck. The fact that this little ditty won a Grammy has greatly reduced my desire to win a Grammy for myself.
* Michael Buble - Lost
Ah, the mental image of a ringletted chanteur wearing sunglasses, a striped leisure suit, and one gold earring sitting behind his piano and wailing away. The cameras whirr around on their booms, crossfading when they catch the hired gun bass player rolling his eyes. People attending the concert are underwhelmed, yet the live DVD sells a few thousand copies.
* Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles
Another Stewart's flashback. When I hear this one, I swear I can smell an overabundance of ice cream mixed with the faintest whiff of stale hot dog. A warning, dear reader: never eat the hot dogs at Stewart's. I know where they've been (mostly just in the steamer) and how often they get changed in the steamer (never). Actually, just kinda stay away from the prepared food at Stewart's anyway. I don't think I ever saw anyone changing the chili, but then again, I never worked the opening shift.
* Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest
Deep enough to cut this single in half and throw it in the garbage. Next!
* Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
Let us give credit where 'tis due: in 1997, James Cameron's Titanic was the most historically accurate depiction of the sinking. (I am not, of course, referring to the storyline, which we will get to shortly and acidly). Cameron has personally visited the wreck site and is known as one of the foremost scholars and researchers on the subject; depictions of the ship going down were based on the latest evidence of the time. Notably different is the older (and, in my mind, superior) film A Night To Remember, based on Walter Lord's book of the same title. What made A Night To Remember most interesting, I think, is that it depicts the sinking as the survivors remembered it. Interviews were conducted, and Fourth Officer Joseph Boxhall served as the historical consultant to the film. The wreck hadn't been found by the time ANTR was filmed, so that was, for the time, the best possible account of what had actually happened, despite the omissions and contradictions that we can now prove. Neat, eh? So we have two different versions, each with their own merits - as it was remembered, and as it was scientifically thought to have happened. (We now postulate that even Cameron's 1997 version is inaccurate, that the stern did not actually stand straight up in the air and various other changes - but that's for another time). So, what I'm mostly saying is that the film Titanic is not without detriment, both from the historical standpoint and the 13-year-old-boy-sees-Kate-Winslet's-boobs-on-the-big-screen standpoint.
However. The needless drama added by the storyline (seriously, it's the TITANIC, it's hard to get more dramatic, you don't need to add all that rubbish) is punctuated by the inclusion of this crap song slams what could have been a fantastic historical epic into the realm of sappy romance. Thanks, Celine. This is your fault.
* Phil Collins - A Groovy Kind Of Love
If you want to hear a TRULY Groovy Kind Of Love, find this song as performed by The Hippos. This version is about as groovy as plain mashed potatoes. Zero gravy train, baby.
* LeAnn Rimes - I Need You
I almost wiped LeAnn Rimes out on the streets of New York, and I'm regretting that I didn't have better aim. Although, given the size of her security guards, I'm probably better off deriding her music from the safety of The Internets. LeAnn and all her ilk should bow down before Allison Krauss, and that's my final word.
*Aaron Neville - Everybody Plays The Fool
And the DJ plays this song. Humbug! I can't even think of a good rejoinder for this one. Next.
* The Band Outside - We Drown Out XM Satellite Radio
There's some riotous cacophony going on outside at this very minute. Every Wednesday, a band gathers somewhere in Midtown and rocks out for an hour or two. I haven't been able to locate exactly where, or why, or who, but what the hell, it means I can't hear Band On The Run for the nth time, and that'd good enough for me. Someone give those boys a record deal
Showing posts with label Abominations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Abominations. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
XM Satellite Radio; or, The New Hit List (In More Ways Than One)
One must inevitably take some bad with the good. Generally, the two balance each other out into the monotony of everyday living. Your subway arrives just as you set foot on the platform, but you forgot to charge your cell phone. You pull off a sweet Matrix-style move to get around slow people on the sidewalk, but you bump your head on your desk. Your breakfast apple has just the right blend of tart and sweet, but you step in a puddle. The universal system of checks and balances is just that - universal - and often raises no more notice in one's daily routine than a private celebration or an inaudible curse.
Occasionally, though, something gets out of balance, and a situation is thrown off-kilter. Your subway arrives just as you drop your cellphone on the tracks; your Matrix moves send you falling down an open manhole; and your delicious apple somehow manages to give you Ebola (if salmonella can come from tomatoes, there's no telling what other fruits are up to - perhaps they're all bathed in raw eggs and packed in chicken for transport, but that's a topic for another time).
The point I'm trying to make here is that while my office provides me with air conditioning in the hot summer months, it also provides XM Satellite Radio.
Specifically, it provides XM 25: The Blend. I don't know what the statistics are for people being driven mad by Light Adult Contemporary (or, as the site says, "a perfect blend of pop"), but Science has shown that music has a terrific impact on human emotion, so surely it must impact our reason in some way.
The primary problem with XM 25: The Blend is the playlist. I am a bit of a music snob - I'll be the first to admit it - but I do tend to keep an open mind about different genres. And, yes, XM 25: The Blend will occasionally play a song that I like. The Beatles, Billy Joel, and some song whose title I don't know - it's the one they play in the movie Donnie Darko when the camera goes on a trip through the school.
The advertisements don't lie: they play songs from the superstars of pop from the last thirty years. However, you'd think that each of the superstars of pop had written ONE SONG and then sat back upon their laurels. (Undoubtedly this is the case with some artists, but I refuse to believe that everyone on XM 25: The Blend is a one-hit wonder). I have been in this office for almost a year now, and apart for a few memorable occasions where a different radio station was on (the Celtic Trance station was interesting) I have heard the same bland, insipid, uninspiring excuses for music every single day. And when I say "the same" I don't mean similar. I mean THE SAME SONGS EVERY SINGLE DAY. "Only the biggest hits from the artists you know and love!" trumpets the website. True enough, I suppose, "for those who like this kind of thing, this is the kind of thing they like" and heaven forbid anything should change.
Let's have a look at what's on the playlist. (I blame daytime DJ Mike Kaufman for most of this auditory regurgitation as he has the 10 - 5 shift; the morning and evening shifts are equally as culpable as they are responsible for all the repeats, but fortunately I'm out of the office most of the time).
* Matchbox 20 - If You're Gone
As far as I'm concerned, The Onion hit the nail on the head when they described Matchbox 20: "Grab a chair, America! The most uninteresting band in formulaic, corporate radio is back!" You really can't say enough about them - simply because there isn't anything to say in the first place.
* Madonna - Borderline
I blame Madonna for the sudden disappearance of Guy Ritchie from the Awesome Movie scene. Where once there was the man who gave us Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch, there's now an empty shell married to the woman who wrote this song. Thanks, Madge.
* Jordin Sparks - Tattoo
This song never fails to get Rihanna's "Umbrella" stuck in my head. I suspect thievery on someone's part.
* U2 - With Or Without You
I actually kinda like this song, though when Bono really lets loose with the "WAAAAAH-OH OH OH" part I can only think about the Axies, drunk as skunks, performing this at a capella concerts back in college.
* Michael McDonald - (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher And Higher
Aside from the song itself, there are two problems here. Tammy Faye Bakker did a song called "Disco Jesus" which consists of 1% annoying disco beat and 99% caterwauling "A-Jesus keeps-ah liftin' meh higher an higher/ Higher an higher / Higher an higher" - another little-too-close similarity. Michael McDonald is also fined for Excessive Use Of Parenthetical Titles in a Non-Metal Band.
* Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
Maroon 5 shot their wad on "Harder To Breathe," an infinitely superior song that one never hears on the radio. After that, they're just another Matchbox 20.
* Avril Lavigne - Complicated
I remember when this song came out. It was during high school, I was working at Stewart's, and I heard it at least five times per shift because it was on heavy rotation. The song has not aged gracefully; rather it remains a shining reminder that people will listen to terrible songs and that Avril Lavigne, despite how punk rock princess she tries to appear, will someday get her comeuppance.
* Train - Drops of Jupiter
A sterling example of a band trying to sound deep and meaningful while actually saying nothing at all.
* Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten
There's something about a spirited young lady singing "release your inhibitions" to people in an office that just seems fundamentally wrong. There are few more inhibited environments, and the people here who appreciate irony certainly don't make it a habit of showing it.
* The Eagles - There's Gonna Be A Heartache Tonight
Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!
* Daughtry - Home
Chris Daughtry can go fuck himself. This song makes me angry, but not quite enough to put it in The Trinity. This is the kind of song that a moody 13 year old would quote in his AIM profile to look extra dark and along. I should know. I was a moody 13 year old who was into bad song lyrics too, and if I could meet that me now, I'd punch him in the face.
THE TRINITY
* Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Okay, I know a lot of things happened in the 80s that people regret (the sideways ponytails, the acid-washed jeans, Ronald Reagan, etc). Outside of the plague of 80s-themed parties most events that transpired between 1980 - 1989 are viewed with anything from gracious good humor (Ah What Young Fools We Were) to outright hatred (They Killed The Fuckin' Seventies, Man). This song is one of those iconic anthems, but an icon of what was wrong with the decade. And I don't mean that from a sexist standpoint - yes, girls should go have all the fun they care to - but come ON. My first reaction to this song is a sharp mental picture of a mildly overweight woman at a receptionist job somewhere, with bright pink fingernails, dangling earrings, and pictures of horribly cute baby animals all around her desk, snapping her gum and thinking about what it was like to be a go-go girl in 1983, except she wasn't actually one, she was too shy and gangly and thus spends the rest of her life living vicariously through Cyndi's shrill voice.
As far as I'm concerned, the best thing that happened to the eighties was that they had the good sense to eventually become the nineties.
* Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
One day, Weird Al will do it better, that's all I'm gonna say.
* Tina Turner - Private Dancer
Legend or not, this is one of the worst songs I have ever heard. Mercifully, this one only shows up when the DJ is feeling extra special.
THE ULTIMATE
* Gwen Stefani - The Sweet Escape
Oooooooh Gwen. Why she left No Doubt is beyond me - actually, why No Doubt left their ska band roots behind and swung into the pop mainstream is even further beyond, though I guess when the nineties and the ska revival started to die, certain Nervous Nellies tried to jump ship (I'm looking at you, Monique Powell) and we saw what happened there. Gwen goes from a totally respectable semi-rude girl to another bleached-blond pop starlet with her own clothing line. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Gwen Stefani seems to be more famous now for simply being Gwen Stefani, and when that happens you can believe the quality of someone's music is gonna take a turn for the worse.
This song... you ever have one of those songs that just ruins your day? That's what this song does to me. As soon as that little guitar line and tambourine starts up, I can feel my shoulder muscles tense; when the "weeeee-ooooh, a-WEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOH" starts up the red bloody mists descend over my vision. In a past life, the Viking Berserker version of me would have charged forth with a big axe killing every living thing within reach. Within the corporate constraints, all I can do is glare murderously at the radio speaker and will it to shatter. This hasn't happened yet.
Somewhere in The Blend lives the world's most feeble guitar solo (which, actually, I think somehow managed to ooze out of Carlos Santana - I can only imagine he must have in the middle of recording a different, better guitar part at the time and had to play this one with his toes; either that or he was mid-concussion).
Almost enough to make you long for a Kenny Chesney marathon.
EDIT: Michelle Branch and Carlos Santana - The Game Of Love
Santana, you're in trouble.
Occasionally, though, something gets out of balance, and a situation is thrown off-kilter. Your subway arrives just as you drop your cellphone on the tracks; your Matrix moves send you falling down an open manhole; and your delicious apple somehow manages to give you Ebola (if salmonella can come from tomatoes, there's no telling what other fruits are up to - perhaps they're all bathed in raw eggs and packed in chicken for transport, but that's a topic for another time).
The point I'm trying to make here is that while my office provides me with air conditioning in the hot summer months, it also provides XM Satellite Radio.
Specifically, it provides XM 25: The Blend. I don't know what the statistics are for people being driven mad by Light Adult Contemporary (or, as the site says, "a perfect blend of pop"), but Science has shown that music has a terrific impact on human emotion, so surely it must impact our reason in some way.
The primary problem with XM 25: The Blend is the playlist. I am a bit of a music snob - I'll be the first to admit it - but I do tend to keep an open mind about different genres. And, yes, XM 25: The Blend will occasionally play a song that I like. The Beatles, Billy Joel, and some song whose title I don't know - it's the one they play in the movie Donnie Darko when the camera goes on a trip through the school.
The advertisements don't lie: they play songs from the superstars of pop from the last thirty years. However, you'd think that each of the superstars of pop had written ONE SONG and then sat back upon their laurels. (Undoubtedly this is the case with some artists, but I refuse to believe that everyone on XM 25: The Blend is a one-hit wonder). I have been in this office for almost a year now, and apart for a few memorable occasions where a different radio station was on (the Celtic Trance station was interesting) I have heard the same bland, insipid, uninspiring excuses for music every single day. And when I say "the same" I don't mean similar. I mean THE SAME SONGS EVERY SINGLE DAY. "Only the biggest hits from the artists you know and love!" trumpets the website. True enough, I suppose, "for those who like this kind of thing, this is the kind of thing they like" and heaven forbid anything should change.
Let's have a look at what's on the playlist. (I blame daytime DJ Mike Kaufman for most of this auditory regurgitation as he has the 10 - 5 shift; the morning and evening shifts are equally as culpable as they are responsible for all the repeats, but fortunately I'm out of the office most of the time).
* Matchbox 20 - If You're Gone
As far as I'm concerned, The Onion hit the nail on the head when they described Matchbox 20: "Grab a chair, America! The most uninteresting band in formulaic, corporate radio is back!" You really can't say enough about them - simply because there isn't anything to say in the first place.
* Madonna - Borderline
I blame Madonna for the sudden disappearance of Guy Ritchie from the Awesome Movie scene. Where once there was the man who gave us Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch, there's now an empty shell married to the woman who wrote this song. Thanks, Madge.
* Jordin Sparks - Tattoo
This song never fails to get Rihanna's "Umbrella" stuck in my head. I suspect thievery on someone's part.
* U2 - With Or Without You
I actually kinda like this song, though when Bono really lets loose with the "WAAAAAH-OH OH OH" part I can only think about the Axies, drunk as skunks, performing this at a capella concerts back in college.
* Michael McDonald - (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher And Higher
Aside from the song itself, there are two problems here. Tammy Faye Bakker did a song called "Disco Jesus" which consists of 1% annoying disco beat and 99% caterwauling "A-Jesus keeps-ah liftin' meh higher an higher/ Higher an higher / Higher an higher" - another little-too-close similarity. Michael McDonald is also fined for Excessive Use Of Parenthetical Titles in a Non-Metal Band.
* Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
Maroon 5 shot their wad on "Harder To Breathe," an infinitely superior song that one never hears on the radio. After that, they're just another Matchbox 20.
* Avril Lavigne - Complicated
I remember when this song came out. It was during high school, I was working at Stewart's, and I heard it at least five times per shift because it was on heavy rotation. The song has not aged gracefully; rather it remains a shining reminder that people will listen to terrible songs and that Avril Lavigne, despite how punk rock princess she tries to appear, will someday get her comeuppance.
* Train - Drops of Jupiter
A sterling example of a band trying to sound deep and meaningful while actually saying nothing at all.
* Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten
There's something about a spirited young lady singing "release your inhibitions" to people in an office that just seems fundamentally wrong. There are few more inhibited environments, and the people here who appreciate irony certainly don't make it a habit of showing it.
* The Eagles - There's Gonna Be A Heartache Tonight
Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!
* Daughtry - Home
Chris Daughtry can go fuck himself. This song makes me angry, but not quite enough to put it in The Trinity. This is the kind of song that a moody 13 year old would quote in his AIM profile to look extra dark and along. I should know. I was a moody 13 year old who was into bad song lyrics too, and if I could meet that me now, I'd punch him in the face.
THE TRINITY
* Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Okay, I know a lot of things happened in the 80s that people regret (the sideways ponytails, the acid-washed jeans, Ronald Reagan, etc). Outside of the plague of 80s-themed parties most events that transpired between 1980 - 1989 are viewed with anything from gracious good humor (Ah What Young Fools We Were) to outright hatred (They Killed The Fuckin' Seventies, Man). This song is one of those iconic anthems, but an icon of what was wrong with the decade. And I don't mean that from a sexist standpoint - yes, girls should go have all the fun they care to - but come ON. My first reaction to this song is a sharp mental picture of a mildly overweight woman at a receptionist job somewhere, with bright pink fingernails, dangling earrings, and pictures of horribly cute baby animals all around her desk, snapping her gum and thinking about what it was like to be a go-go girl in 1983, except she wasn't actually one, she was too shy and gangly and thus spends the rest of her life living vicariously through Cyndi's shrill voice.
As far as I'm concerned, the best thing that happened to the eighties was that they had the good sense to eventually become the nineties.
* Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
One day, Weird Al will do it better, that's all I'm gonna say.
* Tina Turner - Private Dancer
Legend or not, this is one of the worst songs I have ever heard. Mercifully, this one only shows up when the DJ is feeling extra special.
THE ULTIMATE
* Gwen Stefani - The Sweet Escape
Oooooooh Gwen. Why she left No Doubt is beyond me - actually, why No Doubt left their ska band roots behind and swung into the pop mainstream is even further beyond, though I guess when the nineties and the ska revival started to die, certain Nervous Nellies tried to jump ship (I'm looking at you, Monique Powell) and we saw what happened there. Gwen goes from a totally respectable semi-rude girl to another bleached-blond pop starlet with her own clothing line. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Gwen Stefani seems to be more famous now for simply being Gwen Stefani, and when that happens you can believe the quality of someone's music is gonna take a turn for the worse.
This song... you ever have one of those songs that just ruins your day? That's what this song does to me. As soon as that little guitar line and tambourine starts up, I can feel my shoulder muscles tense; when the "weeeee-ooooh, a-WEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOH" starts up the red bloody mists descend over my vision. In a past life, the Viking Berserker version of me would have charged forth with a big axe killing every living thing within reach. Within the corporate constraints, all I can do is glare murderously at the radio speaker and will it to shatter. This hasn't happened yet.
Somewhere in The Blend lives the world's most feeble guitar solo (which, actually, I think somehow managed to ooze out of Carlos Santana - I can only imagine he must have in the middle of recording a different, better guitar part at the time and had to play this one with his toes; either that or he was mid-concussion).
Almost enough to make you long for a Kenny Chesney marathon.
EDIT: Michelle Branch and Carlos Santana - The Game Of Love
Santana, you're in trouble.
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