XM Satellite Radio: Round Two

Because it's just that kind of day.

* Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder

After much careful thought and due consideration, I'm replacing Colbie Caillat's song "Bubbly" in THE TRINITY with this piece of audio dreck. The fact that this little ditty won a Grammy has greatly reduced my desire to win a Grammy for myself.

* Michael Buble - Lost

Ah, the mental image of a ringletted chanteur wearing sunglasses, a striped leisure suit, and one gold earring sitting behind his piano and wailing away. The cameras whirr around on their booms, crossfading when they catch the hired gun bass player rolling his eyes. People attending the concert are underwhelmed, yet the live DVD sells a few thousand copies.

* Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles

Another Stewart's flashback. When I hear this one, I swear I can smell an overabundance of ice cream mixed with the faintest whiff of stale hot dog. A warning, dear reader: never eat the hot dogs at Stewart's. I know where they've been (mostly just in the steamer) and how often they get changed in the steamer (never). Actually, just kinda stay away from the prepared food at Stewart's anyway. I don't think I ever saw anyone changing the chili, but then again, I never worked the opening shift.

* Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest

Deep enough to cut this single in half and throw it in the garbage. Next!


* Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On

Let us give credit where 'tis due: in 1997, James Cameron's Titanic was the most historically accurate depiction of the sinking. (I am not, of course, referring to the storyline, which we will get to shortly and acidly). Cameron has personally visited the wreck site and is known as one of the foremost scholars and researchers on the subject; depictions of the ship going down were based on the latest evidence of the time. Notably different is the older (and, in my mind, superior) film A Night To Remember, based on Walter Lord's book of the same title. What made A Night To Remember most interesting, I think, is that it depicts the sinking as the survivors remembered it. Interviews were conducted, and Fourth Officer Joseph Boxhall served as the historical consultant to the film. The wreck hadn't been found by the time ANTR was filmed, so that was, for the time, the best possible account of what had actually happened, despite the omissions and contradictions that we can now prove. Neat, eh? So we have two different versions, each with their own merits - as it was remembered, and as it was scientifically thought to have happened. (We now postulate that even Cameron's 1997 version is inaccurate, that the stern did not actually stand straight up in the air and various other changes - but that's for another time). So, what I'm mostly saying is that the film Titanic is not without detriment, both from the historical standpoint and the 13-year-old-boy-sees-Kate-Winslet's-boobs-on-the-big-screen standpoint.

However. The needless drama added by the storyline (seriously, it's the TITANIC, it's hard to get more dramatic, you don't need to add all that rubbish) is punctuated by the inclusion of this crap song slams what could have been a fantastic historical epic into the realm of sappy romance. Thanks, Celine. This is your fault.

* Phil Collins - A Groovy Kind Of Love

If you want to hear a TRULY Groovy Kind Of Love, find this song as performed by The Hippos. This version is about as groovy as plain mashed potatoes. Zero gravy train, baby.

* LeAnn Rimes - I Need You

I almost wiped LeAnn Rimes out on the streets of New York, and I'm regretting that I didn't have better aim. Although, given the size of her security guards, I'm probably better off deriding her music from the safety of The Internets. LeAnn and all her ilk should bow down before Allison Krauss, and that's my final word.

*Aaron Neville - Everybody Plays The Fool

And the DJ plays this song. Humbug! I can't even think of a good rejoinder for this one. Next.

* The Band Outside - We Drown Out XM Satellite Radio

There's some riotous cacophony going on outside at this very minute. Every Wednesday, a band gathers somewhere in Midtown and rocks out for an hour or two. I haven't been able to locate exactly where, or why, or who, but what the hell, it means I can't hear Band On The Run for the nth time, and that'd good enough for me. Someone give those boys a record deal