Gonna Turn It Around On Ya

Another personal peeve (this one not necessarily to be a crime when I'm president of the world):

The use of terms such as "reverse racism" or "reverse sexism."

Okay. Let's have a look at the terms here. When one hears the term "reverse racism," at least in this country, it is usually applied to a member of an ethnic minority group who discriminates against a Caucasian; hence, a black man who denies a white man something because you can't trust Whitey is said to be employing "reverse racism."

There's nothing reverse about this. That's just racism. According to the dictionary, Racism is a noun that means:

1.	a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2.	a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.

3.	hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

NOWHERE does it say that racism is the exclusive property of Caucasians. I mean, let's call a spade a spade here and note that yes, we Caucasians haven't got the most sterling record when it comes to race relationships. In fact, historically, we've been some of the most intolerant people no matter where we live (in the broad generalization sense). HOWEVER. If we remember the musical Avenue Q: "Bigotry has never been exclusively white."

As they go on to sing (wittily but with more than a grain of truth) "If we all could just admit / That we are racist, a little bit / Even though we all know that it's wrong / Maybe it would help us get along."

The same goes for "reverse sexism." Reverse sexism only ever seems to be employed when a woman is oppressing a man, implying that to be sexist is the sole capability of men. Women can be equally as sexist.


Actually, this does kinda piss me off. Maybe this will be illegal... these people can be cellmates with folks who overuse the words "dichotomy" and "I feel that..." instead of "I think that."

Minor Regulations for When I Become a Benevolent Leader of Humanity, Part 1

After the inaugural ceremony, after the last of the tickertape hits the sidewalk in Times Square and while the revelers are shifting gears from beer to whiskey, my vision for a better world will take its first steps. They will be small steps - not the abolition of armed conflict, the conversion to sustainable energy, or the legalization of gay marriage; those are big steps and best done slowly if by doing them slowly they may be done properly. No, the first acts of my Benevolent Reign will address that class of heinous behaviors that just rub me the wrong way.

We'll call it the Abolition of Petty Irritants Act, and it shall read in part:

• The use of unnecessarily large umbrellas on sidewalks shall be prohibited.
• No person, no matter how young, old, or nattily attired, will utilize or cause to be utilized, any umbrella whose span when extended is more than twice the width of the user's shoulders.
• Violations shall be punishable by a verbal warning and dirty look, followed by confiscation of the offending implement. Serious violations (such as using a beach umbrella to guard against rain, failure to collapse or otherwise secure umbrella when under scaffolding, obstruction of the pavement causing the Benevolent Leader to walk in the street) shall be punishable by the destruction of the offending implement; the violator shall be placed on a probationary status with all umbrella privileges revoked for a period not exceeding six months. At the discretion of the courts, they may be allowed a sheet of newsprint in lieu of umbrella.
• Exceptions may be made in the case of people who composed entirely of sugar. Preliminary research has shown that your mother was right; you ain't so sweet that you're gonna melt. Confirmation of a sugar-based human must be verified by a reputable medical professional.
• It shall be a violation to stand sheeplike and blankly staring in the middle of doors on the subway while people are trying to exit the train; it shall be a misdemeanor to bull your way onto the train while people are in the process of exiting.
  
• A specially appointed task force shall be created and authorized to use any force necessary to enforce this policy.
• Violators shall be made to stand in the back of the subway line. Repeat offenders shall be made to commute with the Militant Rastafarian for a period not exceeding six months.
• In extreme cases, the violator shall be strapped to the front of the subway, since they're in such a damn hurry to get to wherever they need to go and absolutely have to be the first one to arrive.
• The use of "buzzwords," whether in or out of the office, shall be STRICTLY prohibited. These include, but are not limited to:
• "Out Of Pocket" as used to signify unavailability.
• "Reach Out"
• "Next Steps"
• "Best Practices"
• Any other phrase determined to lack real-world application.
• Violators will be required to attend an elocution workshop and read three works of literature widely agreed to be "classic."
• The use of the phrase "Moving Forward" shall be punishable by the permanent closure of the mouth, by whatever means necessary.
• Shower curtains shall be sold with the necessary rings, instead of in separate packages. Rings may be sold in separate packages if a change is desired, but no shower curtain shall be sold sans rings.
• Misspellings and grammatical errors on printed signs shall be corrected, at printer's expense, within 14 days of notice. Handwritten signs may have their errors corrected by any person in possession of a pen.
• Exceptions to this rule include: instances where the error is intentional (for the purposes of advertising, etc), or instances where the resulting statement causes great hilarity.

More edicts shall follow. We'll start them off slowly.